Why You Can’t ‘Positively Think’ Your Way Out of Body Shame

If body shame could be cured by thinking positive thoughts, most of us would be healed by now.

We’ve heard it all:
‘Just love yourself.’
‘Be grateful.’
‘You’re beautiful just the way you are!’

And while those messages are well-meaning, they can also feel… frustrating.
Because if you’ve ever stood in front of a mirror, tried repeating affirmations, or forced a smile through body discomfort, you know the truth: It doesn’t always work.

Not because you’re doing something wrong. Not because you’re not trying hard enough.
But because body shame is more complex than a mindset.

Sometimes, those ‘just be positive’ messages make us feel even worse.
Because if loving your body feels impossible today, you might start believing that you’re the problem. That you’re failing at healing.

But you’re not failing. You’re just trying to apply surface-level tools to something that runs so much deeper.

Toxic Positivity and the Shame Loop

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: the pressure to be ‘body positive’ can actually keep us stuck in body shame.

You might know the pressure I mean:
You’re struggling with how you feel in your body, but instead of being allowed to say that out loud, you hear:
‘Just focus on the good.’
‘You should love yourself.’
‘Stop being so hard on yourself!’

It sounds helpful, but in practice? It’s a form of emotional bypassing.

According to Verywell Mind, toxic positivity is when people dismiss negative emotions and respond with false reassurances. In other words: ignoring the hard stuff and slapping a smiley sticker on top.

And here’s the problem with that:
When we bypass the real, raw emotions—when we skip straight to sunshine and affirmations—we bury our shame even deeper.

We start to think:

• ‘I guess everyone else loves their body. What’s wrong with me?’
• ‘If I’m still struggling, maybe I’m not trying hard enough.’
• ‘I better keep this to myself so I don’t sound ungrateful.’

So we stay silent. We smile in photos, post the ‘love your body’ quote, and quietly keep battling the shame underneath.

But real healing doesn’t come from pretending the struggle isn’t there.
It comes from making space for it.

Why Body Shame Needs Compassion, Not Control

Body shame isn’t just a passing thought. It’s stored in the body itself.

It often starts young. Maybe someone commented on your size in middle school. Maybe your mom always dieted and criticised her reflection. Maybe you were praised for shrinking, and ignored when you didn’t. Over time, your body became a battlefield, and shame settled in your nervous system like an unwanted guest.

That’s why you can’t just ‘think it away.’ You can’t affirm yourself out of a wound that was never spoken to with care.

In my coaching work, this is where we start: not with control, but with compassion.

Because here’s what I’ve learned—both from my clients and from my own recovery:

You can’t shame yourself out of shame. You have to meet it with kindness.

You can’t force yourself to love your body in a single moment.
But you can start by being gentler with yourself.
You can give yourself permission to be exactly where you are, even if where you are feels messy.

And you can trust this:
Real confidence is not built by pushing through shame.
It’s built by healing it.
And healing, friend, takes time, tenderness, and tools that meet you where you actually are, not where people think you should be.

3 Real Tools That Work Better Than ‘Just Think Positive’

If positive thinking hasn’t worked for you, you’re not broken. You’re just ready for tools that go deeper, tools that hold space for the real you.

Here are three to start with:

1. Name the Real Feeling

Body shame often masks something deeper.

Sometimes it’s not just about how your thighs look—it’s about feeling out of control.
Sometimes it’s not just the number on the scale—it’s grief.
Or loneliness. Or exhaustion. Or the ache of being misunderstood for too long.

Next time shame shows up, pause and ask:

• What’s actually underneath this?
• What do I really need right now?

Naming the real feeling doesn’t ‘fix’ it instantly, but it gives it room.
And where there’s room, there’s room to heal.

2. Body Neutrality > Body Positivity

If ‘I love my body!’ feels like a lie some days, that’s okay. You don’t have to start there.

Start with body neutrality.
The idea is simple: you don’t have to love how your body looks to treat it with respect.

Try saying:

‘It’s okay if I don’t love my arms today. They still deserve kindness.’

Or:

‘I don’t have to adore my stomach to feed it, clothe it, and let it rest.’

Body neutrality is a powerful stepping stone because it removes the pressure to feel amazing all the time, and just invites you to be honest.

Respect before love. Care before celebration.
This is how sustainable body confidence begins.

3. Support Your Nervous System

This might not sound like a body image tool, but it’s one of the most important.

When shame hits, your nervous system can go into fight, flight, or freeze. That’s why you feel disconnected, panicky, or shut down. You’re not lazy or dramatic—your body is just trying to protect you.

So what helps? Gentle practices that tell your nervous system, ‘We’re safe now.’

Things like:

• Breathwork: Try a simple inhale for 4, exhale for 6.
• Tapping (EFT): Tapping on specific points on the body while speaking truth statements.
• Somatic movement: Light stretching, dancing, even walking, while paying attention to your senses.

These are real, trauma-informed ways to help regulate after a shame spike. And the more you use them, the more your body learns: I don’t have to be afraid of being seen anymore.

It’s Okay If You’re Still Struggling

If body shame hasn’t gone away just because you told yourself to ‘be positive,’ you’re not behind.

You’re human. And you’re trying. And that matters more than you know.

You deserve support that goes beyond a quote on your feed. You deserve real tools that meet you in the mess and walk you toward healing, not just gloss over it with glitter and good vibes.

If you’re stuck in the loop of body shame and fake positivity isn’t helping, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means it’s time to try something deeper.

Take my free Body Confidence Quiz to get insight into what’s actually holding you back—and discover tools that can help you move forward with gentleness, clarity, and real peace.

You don’t need to ‘fake it till you make it.’ You need tools that honour your truth—and help you feel safe in your own skin again.