The Confidence Gap: Why You Can Cheer Others On But Struggle to Believe It About Yourself

Let’s talk about confidence for a minute!

In the group chat, you’re the first to cheer. You notice the details other people miss, you write the perfect hype paragraph, you drop the confetti emoji. Then someone praises you and your brain stalls. You minimise, redirect and suddenly feel exposed. 

That whiplash has a name: the confidence gap, the space between how generously you see others and how stingily you see yourself.

What the Confidence Gap Really Is

It isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a learned double standard. Many women were trained to keep themselves small: be confident but not loud, accomplished but never ‘too much.’ Add a lifetime of comparison, a few casual jabs about pride, a culture that rewards self-critique, and you end up with two evidence folders.

• Hers: wins, strengths, progress.
• Yours: mistakes, almosts, ‘could’ve done better.’

Self-downplaying becomes a safety strategy. If you pre-empt the judgement, conceited, full of herself, maybe you’ll avoid it. The cost is steep: you start treating kindness like a test to pass rather than a truth to receive.

Psychology in Plain English

You don’t need a textbook; a few simple ideas go a long way.

Negativity bias. Your brain is wired to prioritise threat. Friends feel safe; you feel at risk. So you scan your work and your reflection for what could go wrong.

Impostor feelings. Not a syndrome you’re stuck with forever, more like a weather pattern. Success feels accidental; praise clashes with your inner narrative, so you doubt the data.

Identity attachments. Many of us were socialised to value being agreeable over being visible. Visibility can feel like a violation of the rules you learned to stay liked.

Together, these create friction when praise arrives. Your inner critic gets loud; self-worth gets quiet.

How the Confidence Gap Plays Out Day to Day

• Compliments bounce off. You deflect or reroute: ‘It was nothing,’ ‘She did most of it.’
• Neutral feedback hits like criticism. A small note becomes a story about not being enough.
• You over-deliver to ‘earn’ belonging. You stay late, polish more, say yes again, then still feel like a fraud.
• Body confidence wobbles. You can hype your friend’s outfit and still freeze at your own reflection. Even accepting compliments about your appearance feels risky.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re using strategies that once kept you safe. You’re also allowed to outgrow them.

Close the Confidence Gap with the S.W.A.P. Method

Here’s a simple, repeatable way to change the conversation you’re having with yourself.

S: Spot the double standard. Draw two columns: What I’d tell a friend vs. What I told myself. Fill them in after a hard moment or a win. Seeing the mismatch on paper breaks the spell.

W: Word swap. Rewrite your self-talk using the friend column verbatim. Keep the tone, the warmth, the specific language. This isn’t toxic positivity; it’s consistency.

A: Allow the pause. When praise lands, breathe through three cycles before you speak. Let your body register safety. Then say, ‘Thank you.’ Full stop. If that feels big, try, ‘Thank you, I worked hard on it.’

P: Proof bank. Each week, log three concrete wins. Prioritise effort, courage, and follow-through, not just outcomes: ‘wore the dress,’ ‘said no,’ ‘went for a walk.’ Small receipts add up.

Use S.W.A.P. for two minutes a day. Tiny practice, oversized payoff.

Compliments as Data (Not Tests)

Treat praise like a witness statement about how you impact others. It’s information, not an exam. Start a Compliment Log in your notes app with four fields: date, exact words, context, and first reaction. Add a fifth: the rewrite you’re practising. Review once a week to balance your internal evidence folder.

For step-by-step help receiving praise without shrinking, see our post on accepting compliments. And if group conversations slide into body-bashing, the guide on navigating body-shame chats will help you protect your footing without turning the table into a TED Talk.

Self-Compassion That Doesn’t Feel Cheesy

Skip the sugar. Make it values-based.

Values reframes. ‘I value honesty and growth, so I can receive feedback and keep the good.’ That sentence makes room for correction without erasing what you did well.

Boundary language. When the self-drag starts, yours or everyone else’s, try: ‘I’m practising speaking kindly about myself; can we keep the focus on effort over appearance?’ Simple. Clear.

Micro-exposures to visibility. Once a week, say yes to a small spotlight: go first in intros, share one win, get your gorgeous legs out in the sunshine. Exposure teaches your nervous system that being seen can be safe.

Scripts You Can Use Today

• Praise: ‘Thank you. That means a lot. I’ve worked hard on it.’
• Deflection urge: ‘I’m practising sitting with a compliment, so, thank you.’
• After a setback: ‘I didn’t catch the negative thought that time, and I’m fixing it. Here’s what I’ll do next.’

Keep them in your notes. Future-you will be grateful.

A Two-Week Practise Plan (Tiny, Doable)

Week 1

• Run S.W.A.P. once a day on something small (email, workout, school run).
• Practise the three-breath pause before you reply to any compliment.
• Do a friend-speak rewrite daily. Two sentences is enough.

Week 2

• Start your proof bank: three wins this week.
• Take one micro step into visibility (share a win with a safe person).
• Share one proud moment with friends or family. Notice how it lands.

Not dramatic. Consistent.

If Today Is One Of Those Days

You’re good at cheering. Turn a little of that skill inward. Choose a sentence you’d send to your best friend and send it to yourself. Use the pause. Log one piece of proof. If you need a lifeline, borrow this: I’m allowed to believe the kind version first. Do that three times this week and you’ll feel the edges of the confidence gap begin to soften.

Want Support While You Practise This?

My Roadmap to Body Confidence & Self Love Online Course gives you everything you need, step by step, to build your confidence from the inside out and close that confidence gap. If you prefer to snuggle up with a good book then you can get the Roadmap to Body Confidence and Self Love Course in soft or hardback on Amazon here!