“Love yourself” is one of the most common pieces of advice we hear.
And one of the least helpful.
Because when you already feel not good enough, self-critical, or unsure of your worth, being told to “just love yourself” can feel vague at best and shaming at worst, as if there’s yet another thing you’re failing to do properly.
Especially when you’re already trying so hard just to get through the day without feeling like you’re doing something wrong.
Most people don’t need more pressure to love themselves.
They need a kinder, more realistic way to build a relationship with themselves.
What loving yourself actually means from a psychological perspective
In psychology, self-love isn’t a feeling you switch on. It’s a way of relating to yourself, especially when things feel hard.
Three terms are helpful here:
Self-esteem is how positively you evaluate yourself. It often rises and falls depending on success, approval, or how you feel about your appearance.
Self-compassion is how kindly you treat yourself when you struggle, fail, or feel inadequate. It’s the difference between attacking yourself and supporting yourself through difficulty.
Unconditional self-acceptance is the belief that your worth does not depend on what you do, how you look, or how you are perceived.
Sustainable self-love is built on self-compassion and acceptance, not on trying to feel good about yourself all the time.
Why your inner critic feels so automatic
Many people assume their inner critic is there to help them.
To push them to improve.
Prevent them making mistakes.
To keep them acceptable.
But psychologically, self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system. It increases stress hormones, narrows thinking, and makes emotional regulation harder, not easier.
You might notice that when your inner critic is loud, you feel tense, restless, or flat.
You might be standing in the kitchen already tired, telling yourself you should have done more today, or lying in bed replaying what you said earlier and wondering if it was wrong.
This is not because you’re weak.
It’s because your nervous system is in protection mode. People who grew up feeling different, misunderstood, or frequently corrected often develop especially sharp inner critics, not because they are broken, but because they learned early that they had to monitor themselves closely to stay safe or accepted. This is something I know I felt, especially with regards to my ADHD traits, but the pattern itself is human.
A CBT perspective on your self-talk
From a cognitive behavioural perspective, the way you talk to yourself shapes:
- How you feel emotionally
- How you behave
- What you believe about yourself
If your inner dialogue is harsh, demanding, or shaming, your nervous system stays in a state of threat.Self-love, then, is not about liking yourself more.
It’s about changing the tone of your internal relationship.
Gentle reframes for common self-critical thoughts
Here are examples of common self-critical thoughts and kinder alternatives:
- “I’m so bad at this.” → “I’m learning, and learning includes being imperfect.”
- “I shouldn’t feel like this.” → “It makes sense I feel this way given what I’ve been through.”
- “Something is wrong with me.” → “Something in me is hurting and needs care.”
These are not affirmations.
They are relational shifts.
They change the emotional climate inside you.
How self-love actually grows over time
Self-love is built through hundreds of small moments of self-respect.
It grows when you:
- Notice when you’re being harsh with yourself
- Pause before automatically believing that voice
- Make time just for yourself
- Say yes to yourself and no to things that you don’t believe or want to do
- Choose a response that supports you instead of shames you
It’s built through showing up for yourself in quiet ways, resting when you need rest, letting yourself be imperfect in front of others, choosing not to fix yourself to meet external pressures or expectations.
Not through grand declarations or constant positivity.
A kinder definition of self-love
Self-love is not indulgence.
It’s not narcissism.
It’s not pretending everything is fine.
Self-love is becoming a safe place for yourself to land.
It’s learning to treat yourself with the same care, patience, and understanding you would offer someone you deeply care about.
And that changes everything.
If this feels too big and you’d like support with building self-worth, softening your inner critic, or changing how you relate to yourself then you can find out more about my 1:1 coaching and how I support women to build confidence and emotional safety from the inside out by visiting my website or booking a free call.
But know that the relationship you have with yourself, will always be the most important one.
xxx
Hey I’m Natalie, Supporting women like you on their road to self-acceptance and building a positive body image.
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